Bipolar Energy

At a meeting I attended of DBSA there was a young man that was talking about his issues and the problems he faced.   As he was talking it made me reflect of my own situation and that ways that I cope and manage my own illness.   Well Shortly after that I had my first major episode since the hospital and it was different.   I commented on one of my previous blog posts about it.  The one thing that has helped me through those hard times has been something I have picked up and now reading a book on it.   The idea is not to be focused on where we want to be or what our big goal is.  The idea is to be focused on the small steps I am going to take.   If we want to do something large we have to break it up into smaller steps or else we are going to great over whelmed and we will never accomplish our goals.   When I was at the hospital I was focused on what is my next step.   I was focused on what I could do right n...

Well ever since I have changed my meds things have been different for me in almost every aspect of my life.   I have heard many people talk about how their change in meds made them not feel.   I can understand where they are coming from now.   I definitely have felt that way.   My therapist says that it is not the lack of feelings or emotions but a lack of wide array of feelings and emotions.   This past week has been interesting.   I think I am going or have past a depressive episodes.   I have been very negative,  high levels of paranoia,   Wanting extra sleep,   Want to withdraw more and just feeling absolutely terrible and I mean terrible.   Normally I had my ways of boosting my mood but this time around it just was not working.  Don't get me wrong many of them made me feel better physical but emotionally and inside of me I was just feeling crap.   I wanted to leave work because it is part of the problem.   I need...

Ever since I left the hospital physically I have not felt better.  We have been dialing in the new meds and they are doing their job with controlling my mood swings and helping with the episodes.  The truth is I find it really weird because I was so used to the swings and different moods.  Now not having any is a new experience for me.   Over the past week I have noticed one thing that has not changed and that is the internal pain.  I do not think this kind of pain can be resolved with meds or with a pain killer.  There is this internal pain that is always there.   Some times a dull pain and other times very intense but it is always there.  Many people ask how I am doing. Well when that question comes up and they ask me I think how am I feeling.  Well normally I am feeling pretty good.   The question that I ask myself afterwards is how is my pain?   I then rate it on a scale to let me know where I am.   Many people do not ask t...