Reflection of self

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Over the past couple weeks as I have been going in and out of smaller episodes and trying to learn how to deal with the meds and the cycles.   One of the things that I have reading about is how we view ourselves.   One of the things that I have learned over the past 12 years of knowlingly having this disorder.   My view of myself has gone down hill.    I have viewed myself as sick and not capable of doing anything right.   I have viewed myself as disabled and not being to fulfill my roles in society or what I would like to accomplish as person.   I have felt like a failure and like my life is about to get worse and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening.   That the disorder was going to eat me alive and that it was going to ruin my life as a whole.    Then I started to take control and try to learn how to live with the disorder and not make the disorder my whole focal point.    I started to read alot of books and do things that would change my self image.    I started to learn new things.   I started to learn how things really are not what they appear to be.   This was all masked by the disorder and it was making my world look worse than it really was.    About 3 to 4 years ago when I started down this path of self recognition I started to like myself again and trying to improve my self esteem.    I took that I was going to have what I have and there is nothing I can do to change that but I can choose how it affects me and what I am going to look at.   I can choose to be positive and choose to let the issues roll off my back.    I can choose to let things happen and not dig myself in a deeper hole than I am already in.    I can say to myself that even though I have episode and issues along the way the way I respond to that issue is up to me and only me.    I can choose my life.   The bipolar stuff is going to come and go.   I was talking to my doctor about this very thing.   There is little we can do to avoid them because they are going to come and they will come when they want to come.    The way we handle them is completely up to us.   We can have the tools and the weapons we need to fix the disorder but we have to be willing to use them when it is needed.    We can not be saying I am terrible when we have tools to fight them and use them.   If we do not use the tools we have when we need them the most then the tool is useless and we might as well not even have the tool.    We all talk about have things we need to fight the disorder but how many times have we layed down to the disorder saying ok I am at your mercy you do what you want I will just let you beat me up as long as you want.   I find anchoring points that I can rely on when it gets bad and when it gets bad I rely on those anchor point to pull myself out.   So i was to say one thing is find those anchor points in your life because they will save you.

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