Psychological Isolation
Throughout my time with the disorder, several people have come up to me and asked me what triggers my episodes or what triggers I have so they can try to be a little bit more sensitive about them. As I have pondered these questions and with my trials that I have had this week, I have come the realization that I do not have triggers like what most people are referring to. Now I am not saying others do not have triggers because you may. For me, though, I think the episodes are just going to come when they are going to come regardless of the outside environment. That said, one pattern that I have found out over the past six months is there is one thing that leads into many of my trials and even into my episodes is something that I have heard referred to as Psychological Isolation. This is where you feel alone or isolated or just separated away from whatever you are experiencing at the moment.
This is not when you are home alone and wishing that someone might come and visit you. This is also not exactly loneliness. The type of isolation that I am talking about is when you may be gathered around by loved ones or other people and you still feel like no one really cares or that no one seems to understand what is going on. They ask questions like, "How you are doing?" but in this state of isolation I give them my automated response, "I am doing okay." I have learned that when they ask and when I tell them I have having trouble, many people really do not want to hear about that is going on or really want to help. In the midst of psychological isolation, it feels like everyone fits in this category. They just want to ask how I am doing so that they feel like they said, "Hi." Personally I would rather receive a "hi" than "How are you doing?"
This past week or so I have been really struggling with this. I have been very busy at work and very productive as well. The truth of the fact is that I might be accomplishing tasks, but internally I am feeling like all my boss really wants is for me to take on more tasks and try to be more productive. The way I am reading this is that he really does not care about me as a person he just cares that the work is getting done and that he is being viewed as a good boss. When at the time I think he is a terrible boss because of the internal conflicts that I am having. This has not only been happening at work. It has been at home where I am going about doing the tasks, but in reality I am suffering and not really sure what I can be doing.
This type of isolation to me has been very hurtful. This is more than just paranoia because when I am paranoid I am worried that something bad is going to happen. This isolation is not just that I'm afraid something is going to happen but I know it is going to happen. It's a consistent prelude to an episode and it is just a matter of time until it hits. It is like many of my worst nightmares and fears are all coming to life and that I am living in hell. This isolation feels like no one really cares what is going on and that I am completely on my own. Even though I have my pillars all around me asking me how I am doing, I just say, "Okay," or "Fine." I know I should let them into my world, but to do this would cause some severe pain to open up.
One of my favorite authors, Jeffrey Holland has said that we are holding back the flood waters of despair. I really like that wording; "the flood waters". That is what is like. It is a flood and many times it is so strong and powerful that I am just afraid to let it go because it hurts so much. I have tried to address this with my therapist and he has told me to talk to my pillars and to open the doors to my life. Sometimes when I try this they are busy too, so I would rather just keep it in than to say, "Hey, I need you and I need you now." It has been so hard to grab one of my pillars and say, "Hey, life sucks and let me tell you why...." The problem with Bipolar is that it just sucks. I hate the cycles sometimes and I hate how I cannot control my emotions and feelings. It seems like they are are all over the place and all I can do is isolate my self to make it look like I am a functioning part of society. Yes that is what I said. I put on a face or put on a show to make it look like I am functioning, but in reality I am really not. I am in the middle of crisis and all I can do is try to survive. That is where I have been the past couple of weeks is in survival. It has been really hard, but I am hoping that I can learn something from it. It seems every time I go through Hell, I bring back gifts of what I've learned. I just hope the gifts can be good ones this time, too.
This is not when you are home alone and wishing that someone might come and visit you. This is also not exactly loneliness. The type of isolation that I am talking about is when you may be gathered around by loved ones or other people and you still feel like no one really cares or that no one seems to understand what is going on. They ask questions like, "How you are doing?" but in this state of isolation I give them my automated response, "I am doing okay." I have learned that when they ask and when I tell them I have having trouble, many people really do not want to hear about that is going on or really want to help. In the midst of psychological isolation, it feels like everyone fits in this category. They just want to ask how I am doing so that they feel like they said, "Hi." Personally I would rather receive a "hi" than "How are you doing?"
This past week or so I have been really struggling with this. I have been very busy at work and very productive as well. The truth of the fact is that I might be accomplishing tasks, but internally I am feeling like all my boss really wants is for me to take on more tasks and try to be more productive. The way I am reading this is that he really does not care about me as a person he just cares that the work is getting done and that he is being viewed as a good boss. When at the time I think he is a terrible boss because of the internal conflicts that I am having. This has not only been happening at work. It has been at home where I am going about doing the tasks, but in reality I am suffering and not really sure what I can be doing.
This type of isolation to me has been very hurtful. This is more than just paranoia because when I am paranoid I am worried that something bad is going to happen. This isolation is not just that I'm afraid something is going to happen but I know it is going to happen. It's a consistent prelude to an episode and it is just a matter of time until it hits. It is like many of my worst nightmares and fears are all coming to life and that I am living in hell. This isolation feels like no one really cares what is going on and that I am completely on my own. Even though I have my pillars all around me asking me how I am doing, I just say, "Okay," or "Fine." I know I should let them into my world, but to do this would cause some severe pain to open up.
One of my favorite authors, Jeffrey Holland has said that we are holding back the flood waters of despair. I really like that wording; "the flood waters". That is what is like. It is a flood and many times it is so strong and powerful that I am just afraid to let it go because it hurts so much. I have tried to address this with my therapist and he has told me to talk to my pillars and to open the doors to my life. Sometimes when I try this they are busy too, so I would rather just keep it in than to say, "Hey, I need you and I need you now." It has been so hard to grab one of my pillars and say, "Hey, life sucks and let me tell you why...." The problem with Bipolar is that it just sucks. I hate the cycles sometimes and I hate how I cannot control my emotions and feelings. It seems like they are are all over the place and all I can do is isolate my self to make it look like I am a functioning part of society. Yes that is what I said. I put on a face or put on a show to make it look like I am functioning, but in reality I am really not. I am in the middle of crisis and all I can do is try to survive. That is where I have been the past couple of weeks is in survival. It has been really hard, but I am hoping that I can learn something from it. It seems every time I go through Hell, I bring back gifts of what I've learned. I just hope the gifts can be good ones this time, too.
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