Bipolar Energy

Over the past couple weeks as I have been going in and out of smaller episodes and trying to learn how to deal with the meds and the cycles.   One of the things that I have reading about is how we view ourselves.   One of the things that I have learned over the past 12 years of knowlingly having this disorder.   My view of myself has gone down hill.    I have viewed myself as sick and not capable of doing anything right.   I have viewed myself as disabled and not being to fulfill my roles in society or what I would like to accomplish as person.   I have felt like a failure and like my life is about to get worse and there is nothing I can do to stop it from happening.   That the disorder was going to eat me alive and that it was going to ruin my life as a whole.    Then I started to take control and try to learn how to live with the disorder and not make the disorder my whole focal point. ...

I know it has been a long time and it has been a long road since I left the hospital.   One of the things that has been coming up  is the term labels.   Now we all have labels like Mother or Father or what ever our occupation is.   One of the labels I have attached to is the label of bipolar and Schizophrenia.  Now when I look at labels I think of them of ways to help me.    I know many of you label yourselves are I am this or that.   That is where the problem is.   I am not bipolar.   I have the disorder and I have mental illness but it is not who I am or what I stand for.   I might have rapid thoughts or huge swings in mood but all of those can be controlled and can be managed.   I was reading a book this evening and the book was talking about how there are really two ways in helping us get better.   We are either helping it and making ourselves get better or we are making it worse and in the reference from my docto...

One of the reoccuring topics I have had with my therapist have been talking about happiness and how we are happy.   The basis of the conversations are what do I think or does that person really hate you or are they just unhappy with the circumstances and the events.   While I was in the hosiptal I had the chance to think about this topic and while I started to realized that happiness was more within than is something that is given to us.   So if we want to be happy we need to be happy with ourselves first.   How can we ever be happy if we are not happy in our skin.   I  know personally this has been the bigger cause of my own frustrations is the causes within.   As the meds i am on have been doing their job and allowing me to get to know the real me.   This has been key for me.  For over the past decade I have been taking the same meds and experience the moods swings and all the other enjoyable moments that ...

At a meeting I attended of DBSA there was a young man that was talking about his issues and the problems he faced.   As he was talking it made me reflect of my own situation and that ways that I cope and manage my own illness.   Well Shortly after that I had my first major episode since the hospital and it was different.   I commented on one of my previous blog posts about it.  The one thing that has helped me through those hard times has been something I have picked up and now reading a book on it.   The idea is not to be focused on where we want to be or what our big goal is.  The idea is to be focused on the small steps I am going to take.   If we want to do something large we have to break it up into smaller steps or else we are going to great over whelmed and we will never accomplish our goals.   When I was at the hospital I was focused on what is my next step.   I was focused on what I could do right n...

Well ever since I have changed my meds things have been different for me in almost every aspect of my life.   I have heard many people talk about how their change in meds made them not feel.   I can understand where they are coming from now.   I definitely have felt that way.   My therapist says that it is not the lack of feelings or emotions but a lack of wide array of feelings and emotions.   This past week has been interesting.   I think I am going or have past a depressive episodes.   I have been very negative,  high levels of paranoia,   Wanting extra sleep,   Want to withdraw more and just feeling absolutely terrible and I mean terrible.   Normally I had my ways of boosting my mood but this time around it just was not working.  Don't get me wrong many of them made me feel better physical but emotionally and inside of me I was just feeling crap.   I wanted to leave work because it is part of the problem.   I need...

Ever since I left the hospital physically I have not felt better.  We have been dialing in the new meds and they are doing their job with controlling my mood swings and helping with the episodes.  The truth is I find it really weird because I was so used to the swings and different moods.  Now not having any is a new experience for me.   Over the past week I have noticed one thing that has not changed and that is the internal pain.  I do not think this kind of pain can be resolved with meds or with a pain killer.  There is this internal pain that is always there.   Some times a dull pain and other times very intense but it is always there.  Many people ask how I am doing. Well when that question comes up and they ask me I think how am I feeling.  Well normally I am feeling pretty good.   The question that I ask myself afterwards is how is my pain?   I then rate it on a scale to let me know where I am.   Many people do not ask t...

One of the things I have struggled with ever since my diagnosis is the concept of hope.  I have wondered how people can look past the bad or the negative feelings and emotions so easily.  Over the past year I have been focused on this topic.  I have bought books and lectures on the topic. They all have helped but I still had the feelings of uselessness and hopelessness.  I wanted to feel like I am a useful human being and that I am worth something.  Then I was listening to a religious speaker and he was talking about God.   How God wants to help us and sometimes we just need to allow God the opportunity to make space in us so that the hope and feelings of well being to reside.  Many times we close up and do not allow the higher power or where ever we might look when we are having trouble to make that space in us so we can feel hope and that we are  worth something.   Over the past 6 months I have had a pretty hard time and during these hard t...