My Story
Many of you are probably wondering what Bipolar Energy is all about and to best explain I would like to tell my story.
When I started college, I started to attend classes and get used to college life and how it felt to be away from home. I had a very heavy workload in my classes and as I was attending classes, I noticed my moods to go from severe depressions to manic states. At the time I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was just hormones or the stress from college. I did not think much about it and until my dad recommended that I talk to a doctor. He prescribed me an anti-depressant, which seemed to help some but not all the way. I still was cycling rapidly between the top of the world and bitter depths and could not figure out what was wrong me.
I soon got married to my wonderful wife and I continued my school work. I took on a job and had a hard time keeping it. I had never had a hard time keeping a job before. I began to really wonder what was wrong. I enlisted in the Army, not realizing how important that decision this was going to be for me. I did not have a problem completing my training and soon went on to my duty station. That's when it happened. I acted on the suicidal thoughts that had been stirring. I held a kitchen knife to my abdomen with the full intention to plunge it in. Fear of myself in that moment and thoughts of my tiny daughter stopped me and I dropped the knife before I could cause myself harm... physically. Mentally and emotionally, I was so shaken up by the thought that I could even come that close.
I called for help that night and got in to see a Psychiatrist the next day. In hindsight I can say that is when I received the best news I could ever hear. He diagnosed me with Bipolar II disorder and Schizophrenia. There was an explanation for what I had been feeling which meant there was action I could take to battle it. At the time, though, I didn't yet have the perspective to see how much more power it gave me to know what I was facing. At the time, I just felt broken and guilty that I had brought my new wife and a new baby into my brokenness. This was the start of a very bumpy road for me.
After my commander learned about my disorder we decided the best thing to do was for me to go back home. When I returned I only told my parents that I had bipolar disorder. I didn't tell anyone else and I didn't tell them how I'd come to find out. My mom had bipolar, too and she felt guilty that she had "given it to me". I didn't want to make her feel worse by telling her how bad it had gotten. She got me in contact with her doctors and I started to receive the treatment I needed. I started taking my meds and everything seemed to get a little better. I started to take comfort in my mom's presence and understanding. I started working again because I had a family to feed. Within three months after I returned to my home state, my mom's body succumbed to the cancer she'd battled for years. Let me pause for a moment and say this just about sent me to the hospital. My mom was taking me by the hand at this time and showing me the ropes and then I realized that I just lost my biggest support. I needed her to guide me along.
I tried to work. I struggled to keep a job. Then I went back to school. At first, I seemed to be doing okay, but the stress was a little bit too much for me. I could not handle all of it and at that point I started to talk to a therapist in the school counseling center. He helped me understand the impact of my mom's death. Eventually her death forced me to understand my own situation. After losing her, I realized that I needed to understand this disorder. Then I was forced out of school because of poor grades. Well what a great time of life. I just lost my mom and now I am told that I am not bright enough for school. I lost my mom's support and now I couldn't continue to see the therapist I was starting to grow comfortable with, either.
What was I going to do with a family to support (we had added as son to our family by this time) and at the same time trying to deal with this. I needed help but did not know where to go. I started to go from job to job not able to find a balance I could maintain. I had to work to support my family. I knew I had to finish school before we could fully sustain ourselves. I needed sleep. How could I be a father, husband, student, support my family, and learn to take care of myself all at once? My wife and I tried different combinations of work, but we had two young kids that needed care. My wife couldn't earn much more than child care would cost. I struggled at home with the kids because of a lack of structure and the constant unpredictability of their needs. How I felt from one moment to the next was unpredictable enough. We found that as hard as employment had been for me, I did better working than anywhere else. But I still didn't know how to continue my education.
We struggled through trial and error for years. More than once I was convinced we couldn't afford my medications. We couldn't, but we could afford them more than the aftermath of going off of them. Without them, keeping a job grew even harder and my manic phases escalated to greater spending sprees. The first near-suicide wasn't the last.
After about three years of muddling through, I discovered University of Phoenix. Its flexibility was the answer I needed for my education. Even more than that, it helped me learn to trust my own judgement again. My choices led to successes more often than not. I had a plan for my life and was setting it to action. As I went through their program, I started to improve and realize that life is something more than just bipolar.
I still went through a few jobs including my first administration job, but each switch became more deliberate instead of desperate. I was finding jobs that I was good at and helping my employers understand my situation. When I was almost done with my Bachelors Degree, I got a job that was actually in my field of study. The job was okay, but the bosses were driving me the wrong direction. I graduated with my Bachelors. I was so proud, but the job was just not very healthy for me. I needed to find something that would work for me.
I decided to take a second job that has proved to be the best job I have ever had. It's not in my field of study, but its work is enjoyable and meaningful to me. More importantly, this job has allowed me to work in the evening often by myself and to work through several of the issues that have come up with the disorder. The solitude of this job allowed me to work on and complete my MBA. This job really worked with me and years later is still the best job I have ever had. It has been a salvation to me. There I could mentally work through severe episodes of rapid cycling or depression. One of the key things that this job allowed me to do is to listen to audio books while working. Since I was working at night, I could put a pair of head phones on and not be bothered all night long. I listened to my text books through school.
When school was done, I had listening time to spare. This is when my love of self-help and bipolar books came into play. I could listen to these books, implement what they were saying and find out that the true answers for my healing were inside of me. That is what I needed to learn and hear. If I wanted to be healed, I needed to allow myself to heal many of the important parts of my life. On my website, I have listed many of the books that have had the most influence on me.
That is the key to bipolar energy. The key is you. Many authors were telling me that the true key to self-healing is taking time for myself and allowing the healing process to happen. That is what the night job was doing for me. It was giving me healing time. That healing time has become one of the most important parts of my life. I have worked other places and none of them have even come close to allowing me the space to heal that I am searching for. This is where I learned about the energy that comes through healing and how we can really use our energy to propel us to become better human being. The mental illness is something that we can live with and do really well at if we are willing to work with it. I have been through several issues and still have my issues. Through bipolar energy I will let you know the steps I have taken on how I have become better enough to live what you may call a normal, functional, and fulfilling life.
When I started college, I started to attend classes and get used to college life and how it felt to be away from home. I had a very heavy workload in my classes and as I was attending classes, I noticed my moods to go from severe depressions to manic states. At the time I had no idea what was going on. I thought it was just hormones or the stress from college. I did not think much about it and until my dad recommended that I talk to a doctor. He prescribed me an anti-depressant, which seemed to help some but not all the way. I still was cycling rapidly between the top of the world and bitter depths and could not figure out what was wrong me.
I soon got married to my wonderful wife and I continued my school work. I took on a job and had a hard time keeping it. I had never had a hard time keeping a job before. I began to really wonder what was wrong. I enlisted in the Army, not realizing how important that decision this was going to be for me. I did not have a problem completing my training and soon went on to my duty station. That's when it happened. I acted on the suicidal thoughts that had been stirring. I held a kitchen knife to my abdomen with the full intention to plunge it in. Fear of myself in that moment and thoughts of my tiny daughter stopped me and I dropped the knife before I could cause myself harm... physically. Mentally and emotionally, I was so shaken up by the thought that I could even come that close.
I called for help that night and got in to see a Psychiatrist the next day. In hindsight I can say that is when I received the best news I could ever hear. He diagnosed me with Bipolar II disorder and Schizophrenia. There was an explanation for what I had been feeling which meant there was action I could take to battle it. At the time, though, I didn't yet have the perspective to see how much more power it gave me to know what I was facing. At the time, I just felt broken and guilty that I had brought my new wife and a new baby into my brokenness. This was the start of a very bumpy road for me.
After my commander learned about my disorder we decided the best thing to do was for me to go back home. When I returned I only told my parents that I had bipolar disorder. I didn't tell anyone else and I didn't tell them how I'd come to find out. My mom had bipolar, too and she felt guilty that she had "given it to me". I didn't want to make her feel worse by telling her how bad it had gotten. She got me in contact with her doctors and I started to receive the treatment I needed. I started taking my meds and everything seemed to get a little better. I started to take comfort in my mom's presence and understanding. I started working again because I had a family to feed. Within three months after I returned to my home state, my mom's body succumbed to the cancer she'd battled for years. Let me pause for a moment and say this just about sent me to the hospital. My mom was taking me by the hand at this time and showing me the ropes and then I realized that I just lost my biggest support. I needed her to guide me along.
I tried to work. I struggled to keep a job. Then I went back to school. At first, I seemed to be doing okay, but the stress was a little bit too much for me. I could not handle all of it and at that point I started to talk to a therapist in the school counseling center. He helped me understand the impact of my mom's death. Eventually her death forced me to understand my own situation. After losing her, I realized that I needed to understand this disorder. Then I was forced out of school because of poor grades. Well what a great time of life. I just lost my mom and now I am told that I am not bright enough for school. I lost my mom's support and now I couldn't continue to see the therapist I was starting to grow comfortable with, either.
What was I going to do with a family to support (we had added as son to our family by this time) and at the same time trying to deal with this. I needed help but did not know where to go. I started to go from job to job not able to find a balance I could maintain. I had to work to support my family. I knew I had to finish school before we could fully sustain ourselves. I needed sleep. How could I be a father, husband, student, support my family, and learn to take care of myself all at once? My wife and I tried different combinations of work, but we had two young kids that needed care. My wife couldn't earn much more than child care would cost. I struggled at home with the kids because of a lack of structure and the constant unpredictability of their needs. How I felt from one moment to the next was unpredictable enough. We found that as hard as employment had been for me, I did better working than anywhere else. But I still didn't know how to continue my education.
We struggled through trial and error for years. More than once I was convinced we couldn't afford my medications. We couldn't, but we could afford them more than the aftermath of going off of them. Without them, keeping a job grew even harder and my manic phases escalated to greater spending sprees. The first near-suicide wasn't the last.
After about three years of muddling through, I discovered University of Phoenix. Its flexibility was the answer I needed for my education. Even more than that, it helped me learn to trust my own judgement again. My choices led to successes more often than not. I had a plan for my life and was setting it to action. As I went through their program, I started to improve and realize that life is something more than just bipolar.
I still went through a few jobs including my first administration job, but each switch became more deliberate instead of desperate. I was finding jobs that I was good at and helping my employers understand my situation. When I was almost done with my Bachelors Degree, I got a job that was actually in my field of study. The job was okay, but the bosses were driving me the wrong direction. I graduated with my Bachelors. I was so proud, but the job was just not very healthy for me. I needed to find something that would work for me.
I decided to take a second job that has proved to be the best job I have ever had. It's not in my field of study, but its work is enjoyable and meaningful to me. More importantly, this job has allowed me to work in the evening often by myself and to work through several of the issues that have come up with the disorder. The solitude of this job allowed me to work on and complete my MBA. This job really worked with me and years later is still the best job I have ever had. It has been a salvation to me. There I could mentally work through severe episodes of rapid cycling or depression. One of the key things that this job allowed me to do is to listen to audio books while working. Since I was working at night, I could put a pair of head phones on and not be bothered all night long. I listened to my text books through school.
When school was done, I had listening time to spare. This is when my love of self-help and bipolar books came into play. I could listen to these books, implement what they were saying and find out that the true answers for my healing were inside of me. That is what I needed to learn and hear. If I wanted to be healed, I needed to allow myself to heal many of the important parts of my life. On my website, I have listed many of the books that have had the most influence on me.
That is the key to bipolar energy. The key is you. Many authors were telling me that the true key to self-healing is taking time for myself and allowing the healing process to happen. That is what the night job was doing for me. It was giving me healing time. That healing time has become one of the most important parts of my life. I have worked other places and none of them have even come close to allowing me the space to heal that I am searching for. This is where I learned about the energy that comes through healing and how we can really use our energy to propel us to become better human being. The mental illness is something that we can live with and do really well at if we are willing to work with it. I have been through several issues and still have my issues. Through bipolar energy I will let you know the steps I have taken on how I have become better enough to live what you may call a normal, functional, and fulfilling life.
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