Self-Talk and Voices
The past week I have been reading to some books about self-talk and how we can manage this better. To me this is a very sensitive subject since I have had a very hard time trying to break up the internal voices from the external ones. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I was also diagnosed with schizophrenia. For some time I have heard voices and many times these voices are very hard on me. They talk me down often. During moments of crisis, they can become very loud and hard for me to handle. These voices usually sound like people that I am very close to or people that I have to interact with on a daily basis. It becomes very hard at times when I am at my desk or on the phone with these people and all of a sudden I hear their other voice. You might ask me how can I do do this or how can I tell the difference between their real voice or the one that I am hearing. I have forced myself to learn what is their real voice to what is their made up voice. I've had to do the same thing for my own self-talk.
Normally I try to be a positive person but during moments of trails these voices at times can become so much like the real voices that it is hard to tell. I had one therapist tell me that some times the only way we can tell the difference between voices is by what they are saying or how they are saying it. So when I am listening to these voices I am always asking myself is this the real person or just the voice I am hearing. Does this person really want me to go do what it is asking and what benefit is it going to serve me. How does this voice make me feel and is this normally what this person would ask of me. When someone is really upset with me, it becomes very confusing because I usually separate real from imagined by tone and if this person has really shown over time that he or she wants to be mean to me.
So you might be asking what does this mean to you. You might not hear voices or see how other voices can be mean or belittling to you. The one voice that I feel that many people have a hard time with is their own internal voice or often referred to as self-talk. I know personally that I have had a very hard time with self-talk. For many years I was very negative to myself and I still can become very negative to myself sometimes. I used to try to force myself into the energy state that I needed at the moment. I'd try to motivate myself or push myself down. Many times I did this on purpose trying to get myself out of bad positions at an inconvenient time. Almost always, though, It'd throw me into a worse position later. In this pattern, my negative self-talk was extreme and I'd tell myself whatever I needed to at the moment. It was negative and often dishonest and eventually I wasn't fooled. I couldn't trust my self-talk, so I was often at odds with my own true goals and desires.
My current therapist helped me understand the unhealthy way trying to control my mood was affecting me. He recommend a book by John Welwood that told me the best and most important relationship that I could have is with myself. That myself is in many situations the only one that matters. If I could not learn to have a relationship with myself, how could I imagine to have a relationship with other people. This relationship with myself has become the focus for me. It is the most important one. Many times I will have headphones on or be reading a book and having a internal dialog with myself. Many times the conversation is a fight and we are arguing over some point or something that is meaningless. Other times it is a very important topic that needs to be discussed. During these moments to other people it seems like I am shut out from the world or that I am separate. In reality I am doing some relationship management. I am building the relationship with myself and trying to mend some points that might be broken or bruised.
Now I might sounds like I am totally off my rocker and you're thinking, "What do you mean having a internal dialog with your self?" I know it sounds like it is weird. I am not talking about talking out loud but allowing the conversation to happen in my head. I am not sure what other people experience, but for me this normal. This dialog has saved me many times as well and has talked me out of some very bad places and also stopped suicide attempts as well. So I cherish these opportunities for me to have these conversations and to have that strong relationship with myself. I can honestly say that the only person that knows how I feel is myself. Myself is the only one that can help me through my moments of trial and problems.
So many times we want some one else to pull us through or fix it for us. Many times other people have been there for me. Many other times it has just been myself and my own personal conversations. So if any of you are having a hard time with not being heard or feel like other people just do not understand, I will say that they probably will not understand completely. They might say they do but in realty they do not. They may have every desire to understand and help, but in the end, they have no idea how you are feeling right now and the problems you are facing. Now we need to have those pillars and we need to put our pressure on them from time to time. In your self-talk, you still need to know there are others who want to help even if they don't understand completely. Remember the most important pillar you need to have is yourself. It is the only one that can pull you out. It is the only one that knows exact what you are feeling right now and is the only one that really understands. So the point of all of this is to say be kinder to yourself and lets all work on developing that personal relationship with ourselves. I know that if we do so we will all feel better. Our other relationships with others will improve as well because we'll be able to put forth a more genuine self for others to know. This will allow us to be better citizens, friends, family members, but mostly our best self.
Normally I try to be a positive person but during moments of trails these voices at times can become so much like the real voices that it is hard to tell. I had one therapist tell me that some times the only way we can tell the difference between voices is by what they are saying or how they are saying it. So when I am listening to these voices I am always asking myself is this the real person or just the voice I am hearing. Does this person really want me to go do what it is asking and what benefit is it going to serve me. How does this voice make me feel and is this normally what this person would ask of me. When someone is really upset with me, it becomes very confusing because I usually separate real from imagined by tone and if this person has really shown over time that he or she wants to be mean to me.
So you might be asking what does this mean to you. You might not hear voices or see how other voices can be mean or belittling to you. The one voice that I feel that many people have a hard time with is their own internal voice or often referred to as self-talk. I know personally that I have had a very hard time with self-talk. For many years I was very negative to myself and I still can become very negative to myself sometimes. I used to try to force myself into the energy state that I needed at the moment. I'd try to motivate myself or push myself down. Many times I did this on purpose trying to get myself out of bad positions at an inconvenient time. Almost always, though, It'd throw me into a worse position later. In this pattern, my negative self-talk was extreme and I'd tell myself whatever I needed to at the moment. It was negative and often dishonest and eventually I wasn't fooled. I couldn't trust my self-talk, so I was often at odds with my own true goals and desires.
My current therapist helped me understand the unhealthy way trying to control my mood was affecting me. He recommend a book by John Welwood that told me the best and most important relationship that I could have is with myself. That myself is in many situations the only one that matters. If I could not learn to have a relationship with myself, how could I imagine to have a relationship with other people. This relationship with myself has become the focus for me. It is the most important one. Many times I will have headphones on or be reading a book and having a internal dialog with myself. Many times the conversation is a fight and we are arguing over some point or something that is meaningless. Other times it is a very important topic that needs to be discussed. During these moments to other people it seems like I am shut out from the world or that I am separate. In reality I am doing some relationship management. I am building the relationship with myself and trying to mend some points that might be broken or bruised.
Now I might sounds like I am totally off my rocker and you're thinking, "What do you mean having a internal dialog with your self?" I know it sounds like it is weird. I am not talking about talking out loud but allowing the conversation to happen in my head. I am not sure what other people experience, but for me this normal. This dialog has saved me many times as well and has talked me out of some very bad places and also stopped suicide attempts as well. So I cherish these opportunities for me to have these conversations and to have that strong relationship with myself. I can honestly say that the only person that knows how I feel is myself. Myself is the only one that can help me through my moments of trial and problems.
So many times we want some one else to pull us through or fix it for us. Many times other people have been there for me. Many other times it has just been myself and my own personal conversations. So if any of you are having a hard time with not being heard or feel like other people just do not understand, I will say that they probably will not understand completely. They might say they do but in realty they do not. They may have every desire to understand and help, but in the end, they have no idea how you are feeling right now and the problems you are facing. Now we need to have those pillars and we need to put our pressure on them from time to time. In your self-talk, you still need to know there are others who want to help even if they don't understand completely. Remember the most important pillar you need to have is yourself. It is the only one that can pull you out. It is the only one that knows exact what you are feeling right now and is the only one that really understands. So the point of all of this is to say be kinder to yourself and lets all work on developing that personal relationship with ourselves. I know that if we do so we will all feel better. Our other relationships with others will improve as well because we'll be able to put forth a more genuine self for others to know. This will allow us to be better citizens, friends, family members, but mostly our best self.
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